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Wednesday, November 04, 2009 @ 12:02 PM
the luccy effect i don't want to feel a lot of things and feeling helpless is one of them. perhaps i am used to being in control. because when you have control, you have the key to your own heart. and no one can ever break in unless you let them. i think i closed my heart for the longest time, therefore pain was a forgotten past. except that now it's not. i think what's scary is that sometimes reality really isn't what you imagine it to be. can anyone really know and accept the truth? the thing is i want so badly to be alright with it. am i wrong to be upset? to be scared? trust isn't the issue. i have always trusted and i will always trust but something just doesn't feel right. i blame it on my ever so imaginative mind. it comes in handy when you are trying to entertain a group of childcare kids/friends/monkeys, but when it comes to life, really, the less imaginative you are, the better. i am just surprised when my heart felt something it didn't for quite some time now- pain. i find myself wide awake even when i was tired. does that even make sense? i will be honest and say i don't like this emotion. and i will go on to say that i don't like the situation i am being placed in now. you should know that this only hurts because you matter and because i want this to work, more than you will ever know. you know what's disturbing? i make the best jokes when i am upset. i make myself laugh even. i must be an alien. who knew? |
