i can't grieve.
because no one lets me do so.
if someone died, i think people will let me grieve for a year or so.
but because nobody died,
(there is a mere shift in the tag given to the once most important person)
nobody allows you to talk about it beyond two days.

even when i have already accepted the fact
even when i can fully operate again
even when i can laugh and be silly

i still need to grieve

but no one lets me
no one wants to listen to me talk about it
they are so afraid that talking about it would make it worse
but i think not talking about it makes it worse

i detest the look on people's faces when i mention his name
it's as if i mentioned that i am very fond of slapping myself
i am not destroying myself
i just want to talk about him
i can't live life pretending that he didn't happen
or he didn't affect me
because he has and he will forever affect me
just in decreasing magnitude
i know in future
it will just be a memory
one that i will just shrug it off as the kind of unfortunate event
that i grow stronger and learn from

but at the same time
i don't understand why some people see this desire to talk about it as a weakness
that is absolutely ridiculous
i am human
i have emotions
i am strong but i still bleed
that's not my fault

i am not used to life right now actually
it's as if everyone is moving forward
and they are passing me by
i appear to be moving
but they are unaware that i am actually moving backward.

i think i am scaring everyone am i not?
i don't mean to
i just want to grieve
let me be

i can't grieve.
because no one lets me do so.
if someone died, i think people will let me grieve for a year or so.
but because nobody died,
(there is a mere shift in the tag given to the once most important person)
nobody allows you to talk about it beyond two days.

even when i have already accepted the fact
even when i can fully operate again
even when i can laugh and be silly

i still need to grieve

but no one lets me
no one wants to listen to me talk about it
they are so afraid that talking about it would make it worse
but i think not talking about it makes it worse

i detest the look on people's faces when i mention his name
it's as if i mentioned that i am very fond of slapping myself
i am not destroying myself
i just want to talk about him
i can't live life pretending that he didn't happen
or he didn't affect me
because he has and he will forever affect me
just in decreasing magnitude
i know in future
it will just be a memory
one that i will just shrug it off as the kind of unfortunate event
that i grow stronger and learn from

but at the same time
i don't understand why some people see this desire to talk about it as a weakness
that is absolutely ridiculous
i am human
i have emotions
i am strong but i still bleed
that's not my fault

i am not used to life right now actually
it's as if everyone is moving forward
and they are passing me by
i appear to be moving
but they are unaware that i am actually moving backward.

i think i am scaring everyone am i not?
i don't mean to
i just want to grieve
let me be

chiewyee!
basically what we have here is a dreamer. someone out of touch with reality. when she jumped, she probably thought she'd fly.
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